My best friend is a golden retriever.

And no, I don’t mean my dog. My dog is an absolutely adorable German Shepherd, husky rescue, and he’s amazing and wonderful (but that’s not who I’m talking about). I’m talking about my real best friend, Erika. I always think of her as a golden retriever in human form because she’s always happy, always up for anything, and just delightful to be around.

She has a million friends. Honestly, I don’t know how she keeps track of all of them. She’s the friend who always remembers what you told her your plans were and what your kids were up to, and then sends a text to check in on how that thing went. She’s kept her friendships her whole life, and she keeps friends for good. If I picture her in animal form, it’s a golden retriever. Happy, uppy, smiling.

Here’s what you should also know, because it might seem like a contradiction. She’s not oblivious. She’s really smart. She’s a lawyer (I used to be one, and Erika is still practicing). She’s super dialed into what’s going on in the world and with her kids. She has hard stuff too, like teenagers in high school, which is not super easy, and family stuff, like all of us have.

Erika sees all of it.

And she chooses to be happy anyway.

Happy Is a Choice You Make Over and Over

That word, choose, is what I want to talk about. I really believe that being positive, being upbeat, being happy is a choice. And it’s not a choice you make once. You have to make this decision over and over and over again. Especially when life is lifing.

I want to be clear about what I’m saying, because I am not talking about toxic positivity. I’m not talking about manifestation where you have to be happy no matter what, pretending everything is fine, slapping a smile on it, or not letting yourself feel anything hard.

That’s not it at all.

What I’m talking about is much simpler. When you have the option to look at the good or look at the bad, you find the good on purpose. You make that decision.

And I don’t always do that. Candidly, my childhood wasn’t always super positive. There wasn’t a lot of opportunity to look at positive interactions or positive things. There was a lot of focus on negativity. We were always a little suspicious of people, or worried that someone might be trying to take advantage of us. And if something went wrong, it was done to you. You were wronged in some way, and then came the outrage.

Maybe that made sense at the time. I realize now that it might have been a protective way to move through life. But it carried into my adulthood, and it did not serve me well.

Thankfully, my husband has called me out on this. In our more than two decades together, he’s helped me see where it comes out in my interactions. Take calling a customer service rep. You’re never calling because everything’s great. You’re calling because you have a problem, and you’re already frustrated, already in a bad mood, already angry. And maybe you take that out on the person who picked up the phone (who, by the way, did not cause your problem and is in that role to help).

I have been that person. I’ve gotten on the phone already pissed off and ready for a fight.

But over time I realized what everybody’s grandma already knew. (Especially mine, now that I think about it. She was so positive and curious and always exploring new opportunities for herself. She did yoga and went back to college as a grandma, which I always thought was very cool.) Our grandmas knew best. They always said you catch a lot more flies with honey than you do with vinegar.

So I started to shift my perspective. I go in assuming we should be kind and patient, maybe with a little humor, trying to connect with the other person. And things get solved a lot faster. People actually want to help me. It turns out the person on the other end of the line is a lot more likely to help you, and a lot more useful, when you treat them like a human being.

Positivity isn’t just a nicer way to feel. It actually changes what happens to you. I’ve experienced this firsthand.

What Ted Lasso Got Right About “Yes, And”

I was watching the newest Ted Lasso last night (I think it’s season four), and there’s a storyline that brought this point home for me.

Alice, the coach of the women’s team, is kind of negative and grumpy. Halfway through the season, she’s trying to be a better version of herself. She’s watching a video from some guru (funny enough) telling her to say yes and be positive. My kids looked at the screen and said, “This sounds like the people you listen to,” because they always tease me for listening to positive podcasts and whatnot.

It’s that yes, and, right? My younger son is taking improv as an elective in high school right now, and I keep asking him, “Have you gotten to yes, and?” Which is really about giving the other person an opportunity. You play off of them instead of shutting the door on the conversation or the scene. You say yes, and, so you can carry things forward and give the other person the chance to contribute.

So Alice has to say yes to everything. When the players ask her for something, she says yes. When the coaches ask her for something, she says yes. You can see it’s painful for her because it’s so opposite of what she really wants to say or how she wants to feel. It goes against every instinct she has. It doesn’t go smoothly.

But if you watch closely, you can see opinions of her changing. People around her are starting to soften. Opportunities are going to start coming her way. People are changing how they treat her. (The next one isn’t out yet, but the title is literally “Yes, And Baby.” Coach Beard says it like, “What is yes and baby?” and then admits it’s just his own little flourish. I’m coming back to that ampersand in a minute, because it’s an important symbol in my life.)

The point is that when you’re open, when you’re warm, when you’re willing to say yes, you become magnetic. Better opportunities find you. Better people find you. Nobody wants to work with, hire, or invite the person who’s always on edge, bracing for the worst. People are drawn to the person who makes them feel like something good could happen. Being around that person is like an energy boost.

Erika is proof. There’s a reason she has a million friends and has stockpiled good friendships her whole life. She still has friends from elementary school, middle school, high school, college, and law school. I met her about 12 years ago when our kids were in preschool together. I consider her my best friend, and she calls me her best friend, but she has dozens of best friends, because she has a deep connection with everybody.

That’s the positivity. That’s the ability to hold two things at once, even when things are hard and heavy, and still choose to look at the good.

The Ampersand

I want to tell you about another dear friend, because she taught me the most important thing in all of this.

She was very young, barely over 40, when she got sick with breast cancer. She ultimately passed away from it. Horrible. Beyond horrible. While she was going through it, she told me something I think about all the time. She said she’d come to understand that you can be in one body and feel two completely opposite things at once. You can be profoundly, deeply sad that you have cancer and also appreciate every single day. You can be devastated and grateful in the same breath. Grateful for nature, for your family, for the small joys that happen every day, even in the middle of the worst thing that’s ever happened to you.

The symbol that resonated most with her was the ampersand. That little & sign. Because it lets you hold two completely opposite things at the same time.

Not sad but grateful, where one cancels out the other. Sad and grateful. Devastated and joyful. Both, fully. You can experience and hold both emotions and not completely malfunction. Your brain can handle that.

I think about it constantly. I have a couple of little ampersand statues on the shelf behind me, and a framed ampersand on the picture wall in my hallway, because of course it reminds me of her.

And if I’m going to be really real with you, a lot of the time I feel overwhelmed. That’s the word I’d use. The world feels heavy and things are moving really fast. Every day there’s news about AI progressing faster than even its developers expected, and a lot of dire warnings, and it’s like, my God, this is kind of scary. I can’t even keep up with my own industry, with all the changes happening to the PR world and publishing and how AI affects our businesses.

It’s overwhelming to think about what my kids are up to. They’re both in high school now, so grades matter, and you’ve got to start thinking about the story you’re telling for college, and keeping them on top of assignments that are due by an exact minute, when their priority is probably computers and not schoolwork. And it’s my job to stay on top of them. I get overwhelmed thinking about how much business changes from one month to the next.

It’s a lot, right?

So I remind myself to choose, every day, to look at things in as positive a light as I can. To focus on the things that are going well for me. To choose happy anyway, even when I’m feeling sad or heavy or overwhelmed. Not instead of feeling overwhelmed, but along with it.

That’s the ampersand.

• I’m tired & I’m curious.
• I’m overwhelmed & I’m excited.
• I’m worried about the world & I’m hopeful about what I can do in it, and what my kids are going to do in it.

I think that’s what my friend understood, going through her treatment. I think Erika knows it too, without ever having to explain it. And it’s what Alice is learning in Ted Lasso.

Being positive doesn’t mean the hard things aren’t there. It means the hard things aren’t the only thing.

Try This the Next Time Life Gets Heavy

The next time life hands you something heavy (and it will), try replacing the word but with an ampersand.

Not “I’m scared, but I’m excited.” More like “I’m scared and I’m excited.”

“This is hard and I’m grateful.”

Let both be true. You don’t have to pick between honesty and hope, or between reality and the chance to look on the bright side and notice the good you’re also feeling. You get to have both. You get to feel all of it. That’s what makes us human. We’re complex, and we can hold multiple emotions at the same time. And you can still choose, again and again, to look for the good.

Be a golden retriever. Choose the ampersand. Be overwhelmed and curious. Be excited and a little hesitant. You can be both.

Anyway, just a random thought I was having. I hope you have a fantastic week. Go out there, work hard, and crush it. Find the joy. Bring the joy to other people. I’ll be over here, hopefully being a golden retriever myself.